While I Wait

I am a very private person. Now some of you may wonder, if that is the case then why do i have a blog, open to all, talking about some aspects of my life and beliefs so openly. I cannot count how many times i have written something on this blog and have comments on the blog or emails or messages sent to me saying how my thoughts have helped with personal struggles or helped changed views. That is why i do it. I am not anything special but i have felt that sharing some areas of life with others, more good can be accomplished.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a couple of days but have been debating whether i should go so deep in sharing my feelings. Deep down i knew i needed to, whether for myself or for someone else. This morning, i had the courage to do so.

I am 31. In mormon years i am 98 years old. I am single. I have dated much but those efforts have not yielded much fruit, regardless of how much time and effort i invested.That has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. A lot of things in my life have been straight forward. I worked hard at it, focused and the Lord would magnified my efforts and blessed me with the desires of my heart. Finding someone for me to settle down with, to travel life's journey with, has not been that easy. It has humbled me. I have been called picky, difficult or even pompous. Yes...pompous. That has been one of the greatest struggles for me. I have been depressed, despaired a great deal and even at times wondered,maybe, this was life's allotment for me. I remember toward the end of my missionary service for the church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, i had my life all planned out: I would get home, my mom would buy me a car, go to school, marry a beautiful girl and raise beautiful children. It was a simple plan and my desires were in the right place. Life has not turned out that simple for me, and according to some i have failed.

Over the recent years, i have come to learn many lessons that i feel i could not have learned had this "tragedy" not occured. I am not crazy when i say that i am truly thankful that life has not been as easy as i had planned out. Life has been good. How so? Well, for one, i have become acquinted with God. I know Him better now then i ever did before. I've had life's painful moments where i had no where else to turn to, times when i was treated as life's second class citizen. In those painful moments, i had only one place to go to - on my knees. In those sacred times where i cried and begged that this pain would pass, God did not take away my pain initially but He listened. He allowed me to get the pain and anger off my chest. I needed that. Now we commune so much - more sincerely. I have come to know Him, who is the father of my spirit. I have come to know that He knows me by name. He is mindful of me.
I have come to love the temple. I used to attend the temple, because it was the right thing to do. Over the years i had changed my mindset and started to do things because i want to. Now i attend because it is the House of the Lord and that i want to be there. I have had many sacred, beautiful experiences, letting me know that the desires of my heart will realized. I wish i knew when that will be, but i am ok with not knowing the exact plan. I am thankful for those tender mercies. Serving in the temple has been a saving grace in life.

While i wait, i have decided to make my life as full as i can make it, not with clutter but with beauty. I am not single because i am busy. I am busy because i am single. I was blessed to be accepted in the MBA program this year. Little did i know that it would be so extremely difficult. It has been very difficult. I remember this one time i was studying a Business Stats problem and my mind could not understand how to get to the answer. I prayed for help. Just when i wanted to literally cry out of frustration, my mind was touched by heaven's hand and i understood the work. I cried and laughed at the same time. (I'm glad i was alone at home at the time). I have had to get a tutor, my accountant at my work place, to assist me. It has been a humbling feeling but i have come to see how she has been a blessing especially this second semester. I have come to see the fingerprints of the Lord as i have been studying and pushing forward. I am blessed with amazing friends that have helped make international travel possible for me. Such travel has opened my eyes and helped change my paradigm. I am thankful for the ones that have made me a part of their families and lives. They know who they are. My heart loves them more then words can say.

So, what now? Life goes on. Men are that they might have joy. That does not mean that it can start only when i am married or have a family. It startes now. I am happy. Even though i have my own longings, i am happy. I have come to see through different eyes, have more compassion for others' struggles. Faith for me is not a mere belief. It means so much more. It is not a trite phrase that some use to carelessly and casually. It is a feeling, a way of life, as real and true and clear as daylight. I am thankful, though painful at times, for my personally designed trial, for in and through it, i have come to stand - truly stand. I am more solid becaused of it. I laugh more genuine, because of it. I am happier because of it. I love more because of it. Things make sense, because of it.

While i wait, life goes on, beautifully i might add...